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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in the mud.
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
What do you call a boom-a-rang, that dosen't come back?
A Stick!!!!
What do you find in a clean nose?
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
Rough! Rough!
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
It's nacho cheese.
Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?
He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer,
the bartender says sorry, we don't serve breakfast.
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables...
the bartender says, buddy, I'll serve you as long as you don't start anything.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two... but I don't know how they got in there.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I don't always get asked out on a date.
But when I do... It's on April 1st.
Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, "No change yet."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one, and let the other one off.
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He is now a seasoned veteran.
What is the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets....
then it hit me.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
How do two psychiatrists greet each other?
You are fine. How am I?
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
In case they have to draw blood.
What advice don't you want to hear from a doctor before an operation?
Whatever you do, don't go into the light.
Why did you take the doctor's sweater?
Well, he asked me to take something for my cold.
Why did the duck go to the doctor's office?
He was looking for a quack.
Did you hear that researchers have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Do you know why nurses make the worst lovers?
Because they're taught to wait until the swelling goes down.
Did you hear about the three men that hijacked a truck full of Viagra?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Where does a boat go when it's sick?
To the dock!
Doctor, doctor I'm addicted to brake fluid.
Nonsense man, you can stop anytime.
Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia.
Try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A grandson asks his grandma: - Hey grandma, haven't you seen my LSD tabs?
Grandma replies: - Forget those tabs. Have you seen that dragoon in the kitchen?
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar!
I just can't believe that!
Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory!
When did you lose it?
When did I lose what?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like I'm turning into a bear!
How long have you felt this way?
Ever since I was a cub!
Doctor, doctor, I think I've turned into a dog!
Please sit down on this chair and tell me about it.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture!
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"Give me the good news," said the patient.
"They're going to name a disease after you."
What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
Collecting her thoughts.
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever.
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV.
A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"Omg, donut seeds!"
Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!
Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender?
Because she wanted to make apple juice.
A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
Three blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would've seen it.....
So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?"
She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it."
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid,
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
A blond asked his friend,
"Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one???"
Why is a blonde girl staring at the orange juice box?
The orange juice box says, "Concentrated."
How do blonde brain cells die?
What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
A blonde doing cartwheels.
What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium?
She drowned in the Mexican wave.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How is a marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"
The man replied, "Yes, I do."
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"
The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
If you want to know who is really man's best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, "What is this?!?"
The wife turns to her lover and says, "See, I told you he was stupid!"
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
How do you turn a fox into a pig?
You marry her.
I get no respect with my wife.
I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How is marriage different than most wars?
It's the only war where you sleep with the enemy.
How is a marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
What does marriage do?
Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now."
The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"
When you are married, nobody asks about your sex life.
They know that you don't have one!
Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't?
The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Waiter, waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
I think it is the backstroke, sir.
Knock knock who is there? Lettuce...Lettuce who?
Lettuce in & we'll tell you!
What do you call someone with jelly in one ear and custard in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call cows with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What did the jar of mayonnaise say when I opened the refrigerator?
"Close the door, I'm dressing."
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang in bunches.
What is the best way to make an apple crumble?
Torture it for ten minutes.
A Zen Master walked up to a hot-dog seller and said:
"Make me one with everything."
What cheese is made backwards?
Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because she couldn't find a date.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Have you heard the one about the rhubarb who robbed a shop?
He got taken into custardy.
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he's a fun-guy.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why did the basil and ginger get thrown in jail?
Because the lemongrassed.
A hungry termite walks into a pub and says,
"Is the bar tender here?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said,
'Would you like some fries with that?'
"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"
Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."
Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!
If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure?
Ask the accountant to talk about their work.
Remember, you should always give 100% at work:
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday.
Harry to Tom: 'How long have you worked for your company?'
Tom: 'Ever since they threatened to sack me.'
It's terrible the hours I have to do in my job. I'm only at home with my family six weeks in the entire year.
But it's all right. The six weeks soon pass.
According to the latest statistics, there are twelve million Americans who aren't working.
And there are plenty more if you count the ones with jobs.
I got a job as a historian, but I realised there was no future in it.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
I pretend to work.
They pretend to pay me.
Make it idiot-proof
and someone will make a better idiot.
Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?
Secretary: My lawyer.
A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
After Bill Gates wedding night,
his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.
My father came home and told us he'd been fired. His company had replaced him with a machine that was able to do everything he could, but do it much, much better.
The tragic thing was my mother went out and bought one too.
If you can smile when everything around you is going wrong,
you're probably in the repair business.
Hard work never killed anyone,
but why chance it?
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Q: What does the dentist of the year get?
A: A little plaque.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
Deep down, they're much nicer people.
It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets.
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.
One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Question: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer?
Answer: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung?
To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate!
What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.
A good lawyer knows the law;
A great lawyer knows the judge.
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "Fees!"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.
She's so fat she wears an asteroid belt.
Kelly is so fat,
people jog around him for exercise.
Yo mamma is so fat,
she was diagnosed with flesh eating bacteria and the doctor gave her 87 years to live.
You'll be so fat after Thanksgiving,
next time you go to a restaurant, instead of a menu, you'll get an estimate.
Your momma's butt is so big,
she got stopped at the airport for having 200 pounds of crack!
Yo momma's so fat,
when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet!
Yo momma's so fat,
all she wanted for christmas is to see her feet.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma's so fat,
she went bungee jumping and went straight to hell!
Yo momma's so fat,
even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma's so fat,
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma's so fat,
she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo momma's so fat,
she needs a map to find her butt.
Yo momma's so fat,
she deep fries her toothpaste.
Yo momma's so fat,
she broke her leg, and gravy poured out.
Yo momma's so fat,
when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower.
Yo momma's so fat,
she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.
Yo momma's so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama is so ugly,
she made a blind kid cry.
What's the difference between Yo Mama and a walrus?
One has whiskers and smells of fish; the other one's a walrus.
Yo mamma is so fat,
she tripped on 4th Avenue and landed on 12th.
Yo momma is so fat,
I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
Yo mamma is so ugly,
when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang,
"We are family, even though you're fatter than me."
Yo momma's so stupid,
she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.
Yo momma is so fat,
her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
Yo momma's so dumb,
when y'all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said "Disneyland left," so she went home.
Yo momma's so fat,
she got baptized at Sea World.
Yo momma's so fat,
she doesn't need the internet, because she's already world wide.
Yo momma is so stupid,
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma is so stupid,
she steals samples from stores!
Yo mamma is so fat,
she walked past the TV and I missed 3 episodes.
Your momma is so old,
she has an autographed copy of the Bible.
Yo momma's so fat,
the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.
Yo momma's so fat,
her belt size is "Equator."
Yo momma's so fat,
when I swerved to avoid her in the street I ran outta gas.
Yo momma's so fat,
she fell into the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
Yo momma's so fat,
every time she turns around it's her next birthday.
Yo momma's so fat,
her portrait fell off the wall.
Yo momma's so fat,
I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
Yo momma's so stupid,
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma's so fat,
the only way to get her out of a telephone booth is to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie in the street.
Yo momma's so fat,
she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo momma's so ugly,
she has to sneak up on the mirror.
Yo momma's so stupid,
she tried to talk into an envelope to send a voicemail.
Yo momma's so stupid,
she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.
Yo momma's so stupid,
she tried to save a fish from drowning.
Yo momma's so stupid,
when the judge said, "Order! Order!" she said, "Fries and coke please."
Yo momma's so fat,
Dracula sucked her blood and got diabetes.
Yo momma's so ugly,
even the tide won't take her out.

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